So the other day, I was watching an episode of Basketball Wives and a situation came up where Evelyn (Shaunie’s friend) was accused of cheating with Shaunie’s ex and Tami (Shaunie’s other friend) was aware of the affair but had not disclosed it to Shaunie. And this scenario sparked up a lot of memories.

Would you tell your friend that his/her partner is cheating on him/her?   

This is a very difficult situation to find yourself in cos you are damned if you do tell and damned if you don’t. No matter what actions you take, there would be consequences that could possibly strain your friendship. If you say nothing to your friend, you may feel this burden of guilt and even think you have broken the friendship code. And suppose your friend finds out about the affair and discovers you knew all along, they might feel betrayed by you. On the other hand, if you reveal to your friend that his/her partner is cheating, your friend may not believe you and may start saying things like – “He/She is just jealous, I always knew he/she was jealous of me” or “Is it because you’re single?”  or even going as far as saying, “Is it because you are in an unhappy relationship” . So regardless of whatever actions you take, it could be a lose-lose situation. Then, what do you do? Would you tell or not tell?

Surprise Meeting

Few weeks ago, I met a friend at a party. We hadn’t really seen each other for a long time and I was very excited to see her. At the party, we were trying to catch up on all that’s going on in our lives. I remembered she used to have a boyfriend then in uni. He used to be very flashy and quite handsome to say the least so I asked her about him. She was quite hesitant talking about him. I was a bit surprised cos I was truly keen on knowing how he was, what he was doing now, their relationship and so many other things. I gave up asking her as I noticed she was always diverting the discussion to other topics.

Catching Up 

Later that week, we went out to have some drinks. It was a fun, laid back meet-up as we had good conversations with lots of laughter. Everything was going pretty well until for some reason, this guy’s name popped up in our conversation. Knowing fully well she was quite uneasy talking about him few days ago, I decided to end the conversation. However, she started becoming really emotional. Now, I knew her to be a very bubbly girl and full of life. Seeing her this way was rather strange to me. I could see in her eyes the pain she was going through and I was really sad about it. What in the world would make her so emotional at the mention of this guy’s name? I got really confused as I was asking myself questions and literally giving answers to them. And then just before I could say a word, she muttered something that sounded like “we are no longer together”. I didn’t hear her properly. I asked her again in shock. She repeated, “We are no longer together”. Imagine the shock on my face at that moment. This was the last thing I expected to hear. Her relationship was goals back then. It was a “together forever” kind of relationship and I was definitely expecting to hear that they were planning on getting married or something close to that. I managed to ask her what happened but still looking at her to make sure she was okay talking about it. That’s where the whole story began and one of the major reasons for this post.

The Story Now 

She said Richard (not his original name) was married to Sandra (not her original name either) and they both had two kids now. I remember Sandra really well. We all used to be classmates back then in uni but I was a bit closer to this girl compared to her.

The Story Then

There was an incident that happened back then in uni that I had already forgotten about but this story took me back to it. I went to the male hostel very early one morning to pick up my phone that I forgot in a friend’s room. My friend was planning to travel and was not going to come back until the next week so he asked me to come very early to get my phone.  When I got there, I went through another entrance (which happened to be the entrance leading to Richard’s room) and to my surprise, I saw Richard and Sandra coming out of his room together. I quickly docked to prevent them from seeing me. I was kind of doubting it was Sandra, so I gave it a second look to confirm what I was seeing. It was actually Sandra! I couldn’t believe what I had just seen, “Sandra and Richard!” This incident remained in my mind all day and I was finding it very difficult to meet up with my friend cos I didn’t know what to do. I asked myself the same question I am asking you guys. Should I tell or not tell? Well, I decided not to just for the same reasons I stated above. What if this backfires? What if he denies it and my friendship ends up in shambles cos I said something? What if she feels I am jealous of her? All these “what ifs” kept on running through my mind. I slowly started keeping my distance from her cos seeing her brought this guilt on me. I wanted to tell her really bad but I was weighing the consequences of telling her. I thought I would give her hints here and there but what if she doesn’t understand what I mean. The next semester began and we started having separate classes. Gradually, we were no longer as close as we used to be.

The Story Now Again

Now fast forward to the present, to see how heartbroken she was, I couldn’t help but wonder “Should I have told her then so she knows the kind of guy Richard was and quickly move on instead of building castles in thin air. Did I do the right thing by not telling her? What would have been the result of our friendship today if I had told her? The same guilt I felt years ago came back ten times stronger cos I was literally looking at a broken young lady.


  1. Thats a tough one. But for me it depends on the kind of relationship the person has. I would take into consideration things like how long they have been together, if they have kids, how close are you to this friend, are they the type of friend you would consider to be a sister or the friend that would turn around and blame you etc. In this situation, I don’t think you should feel bad because you don’t know exactly what would have happened and from what I’m reading if you haven’t seen or spoken to this person in a while so I guess you are not that close.

    For me I was in a situation where my friend actually knew that my bf was cheating and never said anything to me and I was actually hurt and decided to confront her to ask why she didn’t tell me. Then she told me that even if she told me I would have never left him. Which was actually true because I wasn’t ready to leave him.

    On the other hand, I was in the same situation where I actually knew that my friend’s husband has cheated and with someone we both knew, but I never said anything because they have a kid together and I didn’t want to be the reason for their divorce. So I just stayed out of it and hope that God would reveal it to her. I believe that whatever is done in the dark will always come to light.

    Anyways, my dear don’t feel bad or carry that guilt most likely that wasn’t the first time he has cheated on her and maybe she even knew the type of person that he is. Its better that she found out on her own.

  2. I personally think that you should tell your friend if their partner is cheating on them, especially if you guys are close. You should respect them enough to be honest with them, rather than letting them go around looking like a fool. It might be hard, but in the end, your friend would hopefully value your honesty and if they don’t, you can move on knowing you did your part in the friendship.

  3. The issue with telling your friend is that when she confronts her partner, he may beg for forgiveness and when she takes him back , now you will look like you tried to break them up. So the best thing in my opinion is let them figure out their problems. I have been in a situation where I told my friend and she stopped talking to me for a while for no reason. Only to find out later that she went back with her partner.
    Thats why these days I stay out of people’s business and hope for the best.

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